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Douglas Stone

Sheila Heen

Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most Audio CD – Audiobook, April 6 1999

by Douglas Stone (Author, Reader)

564 ratings

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Dealing with your ex-husband, who can't seem to show up reliably for weekends with the kids; navigating a workplace fraught with office politics or racial tensions; saying "I'm sorry" or "I love you".

We all have difficult conversations, no matter how confident or competent we are. And too often, no matter what we try, things don't go well. Should you say what you're thinking and risk starting a fight? Swallow your views and feel like a doormat? Or should you let them have it? But--what if you're wrong?

Difficult Conversations shows you a way out of this dilemma; it teaches you how to handle even the toughest conversations more effectively and with less anxiety. Based on fifteen years of work at Harvard Negotiation Project and consultations with thousands of people, the authors answer the question: When people confront the conversations they dread the most, what works?

Difficult Conversations walks you through a proven, concrete, step-by-step approach for understanding and conducting tough conversations. It shows you how to get ready, how to start the conversations in ways that reduce defensiveness, and how to keep the conversation on a constructive track regardless of how the other person responds.

Whether you're dealing with your baby-sitter or biggest client, your boss or your brother-in-law, Difficult Conversations can help.

Language

English
Publisher

Random House Audio
Publication date

April 6 1999
Dimensions

12.85 x 2.79 x 14.96 cm
ISBN-10

0553456121
ISBN-13

978-0553456127
See all details

Douglas Stone
3,542
Paperback
55 offers from $15.15

Product description

Review

“Does this book deliver on its promise of an effective way through sticky situations, whether ‘with your babysitter or your biggest client’? It does.”
—The New York Times

“These talented communicators blend a daunting array of disciplines into highly readable and practical advice.”
—Booklist

“I’m on my third reading. Half the pages are dog-eared. This is a mind-bogglingly powerful book. For life.”
—Tom Peters

“A user-friendly guide to mastering the talks we dread . . . a keeper.”
—Fast Company

“Emotional intelligence applied to life’s toughest moments.”
—Daniel Goleman, bestselling author of Working with Emotional Intelligence

“The only people who shouldn’t read Difficult Conversations are those who never work with people, anywhere.”
—Peter M. Senge, bestselling author of The Fifth Discipline

“How do you confront your ex-spouse who’s late picking up the kids? How do you tell a client their project took longer than expected and the bill is twice as high? How do you say ‘I’m sorry’? Start by picking up Difficult Conversations.”
—Citizen

“Difficult Conversations will be appreciated by readers who wish to improve oral communication in all aspects of their daily lives.”
—Library Journal

“Stone, Patton, and Heen illustrate their points with anecdotes, scripted conversations and familiar examples in a clear, easy-to-browse format.”
—Publishers Weekly

“The central insights of Difficult Conversations so resonate with common sense that it is easy to overlook just how remarkable of a book it is . . . a must-read.”
—Harvard Negotiation Law Review

“Examples more clear-headed and advice more precise than we’ve seen before.”
—Dallas Morning News

“Stone, Patton, and Heen have written an extremely clear and unpretentious exposition of how to develop effective communication skills and a guide to achieving openness and constructive outcomes in dialogue . . . this book is, and probably for some time to come will be definitive.”
—Southern Communication Journal

About the Author

Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen teach at the Harvard Law School and the Harvard Negotiation Project, the group that produced the international bestseller Getting to YES! They have consulted to businesspeople, governments, organizations, communities, and individuals around the world, from the various parties to the negotiations on constitutional transition in South Africa to schoolteachers in Medellin, Colombia, to community leaders and the police department in Springfield, Massachusetts. They have written on negotiation and communications in publications ranging from The New York Times to Parents magazine. Bruce Patton is also coauthor of Getting to YES!

Product details

Publisher ‏ : ‎ Random House Audio (April 6 1999)
Language ‏ : ‎ English
ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 0553456121
ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-0553456127
Item weight ‏ : ‎ 204 g
Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 12.85 x 2.79 x 14.96 cm

Best Sellers Rank: #1,655,492 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #890 in Relationship Conflict Management
- #1,155 in Management Science in Leadership
- #1,205 in Negotiating

Customer Reviews:
564 ratings

About the authors

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Douglas Stone
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Douglas Stone is a principal at Triad (an international corporate education and organizational consulting firm based in Cambridge, MA), and a Lecturer on Law at Harvard Law School.
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Sheila Heen
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Sheila Heen has been with the Harvard Negotiation Project for twenty years, teaching negotiation and difficult conversations at Harvard Law School and in Harvard's executive education programs.
She is also CEO of Triad Consulting in Harvard Square, where she specializes in working with executive teams on issues where there is strong disagreement and emotions run high. She has worked with corporate clients on six continents, with the US White House, the Singapore Supreme Court, and with theologians with disagreements on the nature of truth and God.
Visit Sheila and Doug's author page at www.stoneandheen.com, and Triad Consulting at www.triadconsultinggroup.com.
Sheila's husband, John Richardson, also teaches negotiation -- down the street at MIT. He is the author of "Negotiation Analysis" with Howard Raiffa and of "Getting it Done" with Roger Fisher and Alan Sharpe. They are both schooled in negotiation daily by their three children.
See more on the author's page

Customer reviews

4.5 out of 5

564 global ratings

5 star		66%
4 star		23%
3 star		9%
2 star		1%
1 star		1%

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Top reviews from Canada

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wanda

good examples

Reviewed in Canada 🇨🇦 on August 7, 2018

Verified Purchase

This held up to the title of the book. Good examples provided. Good warning signs provided.

Helpful

Pierre Daigle

This is one of the best book to read on dealing with Difficult Conversations

Reviewed in Canada 🇨🇦 on September 8, 2016

Verified Purchase

This is one of the best book to read on dealing with Difficult Conversations. I've used some of content in my Conflict Management training programs.

Reviewed in Canada 🇨🇦 on March 4, 2021

I loved the book, the audio is ok, but prefer the book version

Helpful

BelleH

Must read for first time managers

Reviewed in Canada 🇨🇦 on July 8, 2012

This book is an excellent read for first time people managers! It helped me to understand how to approach situations and different types of people. There are times when managers too need help and this book gives great tips, ideas, guidelines and a step by step process you can follow.

I would read this non-stop before preformance reviews and before intense coaching sesssions, gave me the tools I needed to enable me to be sucessful in my new roles.

One person found this helpful

Helpful

Andrew A. Hoover

Difficult Conversions

Reviewed in Canada 🇨🇦 on February 7, 2003

Stone, Patton and Bruce have written a very useful and critical work on the dynamics of all conversations - the ones we've had and regret; the ones we don't have, because they seem too risky; and the ones we need to have to enhance our personal and professional relationships. They argue that there are three categories of conversations, which encompass every aspect of what transpires in our daily exchanges. They are: (1) The "what happened?" conversation (2) The feelings conversation and (3) The identity conversation. We can become more skilled and efficient in our conversations, if we begin to check our often flawed assumptions about what happened, how we're feeling and how our self-perceptions impact our understanding of what others say. Typically, we assume we are right and others are wrong, we assume the intentions of others, we don't treat feelings as facts, and we associate our identities too closely with the contexts of specific conflicts. To have productive difficult conversations, we need to change the way we talk to ourselves and how we approach our communications with others.
One can't help wondering, however, if the only people reading this book are already self-actualized or so well on their way that they are, in fact, the best communicators among us. The authors' failed to address the lingering doubt left with the critical, reflective reader: that most difficult conversations are the fruits of difficult people, who, unless they read this book, have little capacity or motivation to be anything but difficult. In any case, Difficult Conversations is mostly devoted to explaining and analyzing the three conversations and how one can use these categories to have more productive exchanges. The book has many useful graphic organizers, including a checklist and a roadmap for engaging in difficult conversations.
In effect, Stone and his colleagues argue that we must shift from a perspective of "knowing" to "learning". Meaningful conversations can take place when we don't permit our assumptions to rule the moment, rather when we take control by being curious, open, and self-aware. To find out what happened, we need to explore each other's stories, separate intent from impact, abandon the blame framework, and to consider all conflicts as a system ("the contribution system"), to which every party has contributed in some way. They argue that the blame framework is a clue that feelings are playing a significant role in a conflict. Feelings often get translated into judgements, attributions, characterizations, or solutions. The key to managing feelings is to treat them as facts by acknowledging them, and considering how they are part of the problem and exploring them fully. All too often our feelings emerge from the sense that our identity is somehow at stake. Most of us frame our identities around one or all of three core themes: competence, virtue, or worthiness. When we feel any of these is questioned, we revert to fight or flight. We can best manage the identity issue by understanding ourselves as complex, by knowing we make mistakes, by acknowledging that our intentions are not simple, and by recognizing that all parties contribute to problems. The "learning" must begin within ourselves before we can understand issues or problems with others.
We can affect our own conversational "learning" by engaging in "the third story" conversation, which requires us to consider how a third party would describe and analyze the situation. This sets up a process of internal dialogue, which is necessary to check our own perceptions, feelings, and interests. Further, the authors encourage listening from the inside out, speaking for yourself, and taking the initiative. While the book combines theory, examples, and description, it is also a very handy guide to improving one's communication style in the workplace or at home.

Helpful

island reader

A must for every library

Reviewed in Canada 🇨🇦 on March 5, 2011

If you are breathing you need this book. We all encounter difficult conversations on a daily basis. Whether with co-workers, clients, family, friends, spouse, your doctor, lawyer, or salesperson; we are often in a conversation that could have a conflict in it.
I am not a counsellor but I found this book in the library where I work. What a Godsend! I had to purchase my own copy. I have since been able to practice the steps in this book with many important relationships in my life.
This book is a must for any library and a must read for anyone. It should be required reading in high schools.

Helpful

Mrs. Emma L. Elsey

ESSENTIAL Life-Skill Reading - For Your Personal Life or Career!

Reviewed in Canada 🇨🇦 on May 28, 2009

Who it's for: If you ever avoid difficult conversations, or launch into them and then wish desperately that things had gone differently, then this book is for you.

Conflict is inevitable. But in business and life we often avoid essential conversations like asking for a well-deserved raise, giving feedback to a touchy staff-member or confronting a friend who has been undermining us.

It doesn't have to be that way. This invaluable book gives you the lowdown on a rare life-skill that will help you:
- Shine as you move up the corporate ladder (and preserve your sanity too!)
- Move more easily through your personal relationships (think friends, parents, children, partners)

While the book is quite left-brained, the concepts are straightforward and well developed. You can keep going back to this book - ESSENTIAL READING!

2 people found this helpful

Helpful

buyersballad

Cogent, well-written, concise and very useful

Reviewed in Canada 🇨🇦 on May 14, 2004

Having researched numerous books on this subject, I found this to be one of the best. The book is structured well: the introduction gives an apt overview, the writing is simple and to the point, with excellent examples and an outline provided to assist with a final review.
One of the book's strongest points is its focus on the underlying problems that create situations where conversation becomes difficult. The temptation to digress and meander into a quagmire of various psychological/environmental/biological explainations can be great, but the writers stays the course, using only pertinent examples and explainations, keeping the book fairly short and to the point.
Many works of this genre focus on superficial fixes. Some of those do work, particularly for short term situations. However, the topics covered in this book go a little below that superficial surface, often seriously questioning common behaviors that often contribute and prolong difficult conversations/situations.
A caveat: the recommended techniques hold great promise, but using them requires quite a bit of work. Unlike the many fixes from other sources, there are no promises of immediate success. Instead, there may be many obstacles both from the self and from others that will come up.
However, perserverance does seem to pay off. I work at a large law firm and the perpectives and solutions offered in this work has made my work easier and more productive.

6 people found this helpful

Helpful

Top reviews from other countries

Toby P Philpott

Eye Opening

Reviewed in the United Kingdom 🇬🇧 on May 15, 2022

Verified Purchase

This book popped up as a book recommendation to me on Amazon. It could not have appeared in my life at a more appropriate time. It certainly has already influenced my approach to communication at work and at home. No easy feat as the lone foreigner working in a bank in Mongolia.

I unfortunately had to wait until my 50s to read this book, but I think it is excellent to read and apply to your communication at any age. I only wish I had read and used this book in my early 20s. Strongly recommended!

3 people found this helpful

JackieL

Readable, detailed and full of practical examples

Reviewed in the United Kingdom 🇬🇧 on May 16, 2019

Verified Purchase

I think this book is excellent. Full of advice backed up with a really wide range of examples of the kinds of difficult conversations you might need to tackle. The only downside is taking it all in. There's a summary at the back of the book which is useful for preparing for that chat you've been putting off!

7 people found this helpful

PB

Excellent Book - lots of practical insights and examples

Reviewed in the United Kingdom 🇬🇧 on September 18, 2022

Verified Purchase

I was enticed to this book as I’m aware that engaging difficult conversations is something I naturally shy away from, creating all kinds of negative consequences in myself and my work/life situations that are unhelpful to me

The book is packed with relevant examples, and lots of ideas on how to rethink approach to these issues. Importantly it also tackles the “how you apply this theory in the real world” point as thats often where I struggle in converting the stylised examples to that which relate to my own circumstances.

I’ve found myself rethinking lots of my own narrative, taking notes on how to approach future situations and with a degree of confidence (and excitement!) in tackling some of my own difficult conversations in order to improve my own mindset, my relationships and the outcomes delivered

J. M. Donlon

The best book I have read on communication

Reviewed in the United Kingdom 🇬🇧 on October 12, 2017

Verified Purchase

The best book I have read on communication. There are some things outside the expressed written knowledge of the writers which are contained in NLP, parts therapy, relationship coaching and counselling which pertain very much to communication and are not here - but even so the book is intelligent, very well written, highly practically applicable, deep thinking and wise - so I love this book.

5 people found this helpful

London Pete

Just started reading

Reviewed in the United Kingdom 🇬🇧 on March 2, 2019

Verified Purchase

Just started reading and already know this book will be a big impact on how I can approach a difficult message - my issue is I'm doing these things already...I need to get the other person who needs to be more self-aware to read this book and it's all about accountability and starting with 'me' first.

One person found this helpful

See all reviews

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