Negotiating the Nonnegotiable: How to Resolve Your Most Emotionally Charged Conflicts Audible Audiobook – Unabridged
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Audible Audiobook, Unabridged
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Find out how to successfully resolve your most emotionally charged conflicts. In this landmark book, world-renowned Harvard negotiation expert Daniel Shapiro presents a groundbreaking, practical method to reconcile your most contentious relationships and untangle your toughest conflicts.
Before you get into your next conflict, listen to Negotiating the Nonnegotiable. It is not just another book on conflict resolution but a crucial step-by-step guide to resolve life's most emotionally challenging conflicts - whether between spouses, a parent and child, a boss and an employee, or rival communities or nations. These conflicts can feel nonnegotiable because they threaten your identity and trigger what Shapiro calls the tribes effect - a divisive mind-set that pits you against the other side. Once you fall prey to this mind-set, even a trivial argument with a family member or colleague can mushroom into an emotional uproar.
Shapiro offers a powerful way out, drawing on his pioneering research and global fieldwork in consulting for everyone from heads of state to business leaders, embattled marital couples to families in crisis. And he shares his insights from negotiating with three of the world's toughest negotiators: his three young sons. This is a must-listen to improve your professional and personal relationships.
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|Listening Length||8 hours and 38 minutes|
|Audible.ca Release Date||April 19 2016|
|Best Sellers Rank|| #42,492 in Audible Books & Originals (See Top 100 in Audible Books & Originals) |
#119 in Business Conflict Resolution & Mediation
#137 in Diplomacy (Books)
#138 in Conflict Management
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Shapiro introduces what he characterizes as “a new paradigm for resolving conflict — one that speaks to as much of the heart as to the head. Just as scientists have discovered the inner workings of the physical world, my research in the field of conflict resolution has revealed emotional forces that drive people to conflict. These forces are invisible to the eye, yet their impact is deeply felt: They can tear apart the closest friendship, break up a marriage, destroy a business, and fuel sectarian violence. Unless we learn to counteract such forces, we will tend to engage repeatedly in the same frustrating conflicts, with the same frustrating results. This book provides the necessary tools to overcome these dynamics and foster cooperative relations, turning the more emotionally charged conflict into an opportunity for mutual benefit.”
I hasten to add that this book will be of substantial benefit to supervisors and their relations with their direct reports, to be sure, but it will also help prepare supervisors to increase their direct reports’ understanding of various emotional forces. Conflicts at all levels and in all areas of every organization need to be resolved “in mutual agreement” as well as the inevitable conflicts that develop with customers.
Organizations as well as individuals have an identity that, Shapiro suggests, has five pillars (BRAVE): beliefs, rituals, allegiances, values, and emotionally meaningful experiences that are memorable. When one or more is threatened, conflicts immediately develop with regard to the source of the threat, of course, but also between and among those who feel threatened. I agree with Shapiro about the importance of what he characterizes as “relational identity”: affiliation (i.e. emotional connection) shared by those involved, and, autonomy (i.e. feeling unrestrained). “In a conflict, the core relational challenge is to figure out how to satisfy your] desire to be simultaneously one [begin italics] with [end italics] the other party (affiliation) and one [begin italics’ apart from [end italics] the other party (autonomy), Fundamentally, how can you coexist as both two ones and one set of twos?” That in the proverbial nutshell is how to resolve most conflicts.
These are among the passages of greatest interest and value to me, also listed to suggest the scope of Shapiro’s coverage in Sections 1-3:
o The Method to Bridge the Toughest Emotional Divides (Pages xv-xvi)
o Key Dimensions of Conflict Resolution (7-9)
o Unlocking the Power of Identity (9-10)
o Relational Identity: The Hidden Source of Leverage (17-21)
o Beware of the Tribes Effect (23-25)
o The Disorienting World of Vertigo, and, Obstacles (32-39)
o Breaking Free of Vertigo (39-49)
o Barriers to Breaking Free from Repetition Compulsion (54-65)
o What Are Taboos? (71-73)
o How to Navigate Taboos (75-84)
o Welcome to the World of the Sacred (91-95)
o A Strategy for Negotiating the Sacred (96-109)
o The Pitfalls of Politics, and, Strategies to Address These Pitfalls (113-128)
o Conventional Methods of Conflict Resolution Are Insufficient (132-135)
o Principles of Integrative Dynamics (135-138)
o How a Mythos Works (141-143)
o Strategy: Creative Introspection (143-155)
o Three Stage of Letting Go of a Grudge (165-174)
o A Four-Step Strategy for Proactively Building Crosscutting Connections (177-190)
o SAS: Reconfiguring Your Relationship (192-201)
One of the most common reactions to a threat to organizational or individual identity is what Shapiro characterizes as the Tribes Effect, “an adversarial mindset that pits your identity against that if the other side: it is [begin italics] me versus you [end italics], [begin italics] us versus them [end italics]. This mindset most likely evolved to help groups protect their bloodlines from, outside threat. Today it can just as easily be activated in a two-person conflict, whether between siblings, spouses, or diplomats.” Shakespeare dramatizes the Tribes Effect in many of his plays, notably in Romeo and Juliet, but it is recurrent in great literature dating back at least to Homer and that reminds me the term “barbarian” was coined in ancient Athens and its literally meaning was “non-Greek.”
Shapiro affirms the value of “Fostering the Spirit of Reconciliation” (or Conciliation) in all relationships, one that can avoid or overcome the Tribes Effect. “The world did not have to explode at Davos, and it need not explode in your own life. The potential for reconciliation rests firmly in your mind and in your heart. It is up to you to decide whether or not to use it.”
He also has much of value to share concerning what he characterizes as “The Ladder of Being,” derived from an insight by the German existential philosopher Martin Heidegger “that humans are not things but ways of being in the world. We do not exist as a separate entity from the world in which we live but are intrinsically connected to it. The world does not exist without our consciousness, just as consciousness does not exist without the world. The Ladder of Being calls attention to five levels of self-awareness. No level is more ‘real’ than another, just as the outer level of an onion is no more authentic than its core. In a conflict, it can be helpful to identify your level of being and then consider to what level you aspire.”
These comments remind us that some of our most stressful conflicts are within us, not with another person. The term atonement for those of the Christian faith refers to being at one with God. Philosophers since Socrates have affirmed the importance of being at one with ourselves. This is what Saint Paul has in mind when referring to “many parts, one body.”
Each day, consciously or unconsciously, we are engaged in negotiation about what is right and what is wrong, what to do and what not to do, etc. In “Song of Myself,” Walt Whitman acknowledges that he contradicts himself. “I am large. I contain multitudes.” So do we all. On this point, let’s give Daniel Shapiro the final word. “Our differences are our strength, our similarities are enduring.” The challenge is to recognize them and then embrace them.